Thanksgiving, San Francisco, 2004
I am writing to share the spiritual journey that I went on as a result of getting Samonella on Thanksgiving. I'll provide the details of my illness first, and then share the more interesting part.
I've had Salmonella, Staff Infection, and many GI issues because of all my travels, and this was defintely one of the toughest nights of my life because the vommitting was accompanied with violent convulsions of my body, where I would be unable to breathe for 30-45 seconds as my body tightened and seemed to lock up in contortioned position over the toilet. Then my body would release, and I would collapse onto the floor sweating, gasping for breath. The convulsions resulted in extreme pain radiating from my upper abodomen and kidneys. The pain was so great that I was unable to stand or lie flat, but could only curl in a ball and rock back and forth. I vommitted 15-20 times over a span of 6 hours, at intervals of approximately 45 minutes. My temperature was 101-102. I was in consistent communication with an advice nurse, and decided not to go the hospital until the dehydration got worse. I was able to take in fluids at about 8 a.m., 7 hours after onset, starting with 1 ounce of liquid every twenty minutes (a combination of apple juice, water, and rehydration salts.) I slept all Saturday and was fully back on my feet by Saturday night, feeling more alive then I have in many years...
Well, here's the more intersting part. Before the sickness set in, I was hanging out with a dear friend. It was about midnight, and I was enjoying a conversation where we were talking about the times in our lives when we "left our bodies" because we were unable to cope with what was going on. I'll share about our conversation and then relate this back to my sickness.
He talked about his experiences in Vietnam, and I shared in detail about my near-drowning experience while on my first rafting trip--in Costa Rica in 1996. In brief, I floated down a river unconscious for 3-4 hours, until I was washed up on the shore about 4 miles downstream. When I returned to consciousness, I felt a rough texture on my face, which was planted in the sand, and then felt a wave of life surge up from my feet, through my body, and out my head, as I voilently vommitted for several minutes... This was the moment in my life that I "woke up" but I have always felt that I have never fully returned to my body.
My friend and I made a vow to ourselves, witnessed by each other, to fully come back into our bodies, re-incorporate those places in ourselves where we have not fully merged back in, and continually choose a fully embodied life. I brought out a ceremonial peace pipe from Bulgaria and we made our pact with ourselves.
About 30 minutes later, the vommitting started. It was absolutely horrendous and didn't stop for hours. It felt like I was climbing back into my body and that my body was purging to give my soul space to climb back in. It was extraordinarily painful, and I found myself yelling and screaming before every convulsion just to release my fear and anger about the pain I was about to go through. For hours, I had no thoughts about where this came from or when it was going to end, I just was in complete and total discomfort, feeling my body go through a change that at the emotional level I both loved and feared. At the intellectual level, my mind was quiet.
Today, I feel completely open, present, and alive in a way that seems deeper than ever before. I have the experience of surrender and purity, and notice myself as unattached to things that only a few days ago had tight control of my life. I notice that I feel a deeper love for myself than I have known in years. And, I notice that I have a curiousity about what's next... enjoying the unknowningness of the experience, and not really caring whether my journey on Friday night was a physical one or a spiritual one.
